Tuesday, November 04, 2008

this sounds like a rant....just stick with it!!

ohh my heart is aching so right now... that i am unsure if i can write or should even try but just go to bed.

uhh..i had a pretty busy day...i busted my arse at work...i am amping up more and more every day..its actually very good..i listened to 12 chapters of the Tao Te Ching...hard to do while working but much was absorbed..plan to listen at home in peace and quiet as well so that i may reflect on them...and maybe even write on the chapters...maybe not all 81 but...

left work...ran to TB to do shoot the PinkNinja who was not ready..of course! got to mingle as i remained patient..knowing i had a dinner date with a friend at my place at 6..its now like 445 when we start..and i get a weird text from a guy..who asks me why i keep entering his thoughts constantly and why does he always wonder how i am? and why does he ask? i respond- 'why is there anything at all rather then nothing whatsoever?' to which he understands my rhetoric but wonders if were maybe connected in a past life somehow and he cant explain it but wanted to express it to me......mind you here is where i explain that we have been friends but not close for about maybe 6 years though he wanted more but could not due to my relationship status and recently found out i was single as we try to figure out our friendship..its always a start and go never really hang out..and he tells me that if i am not dedicated to being his friend then i need to make a choice and either due if fully or not at all...uh..obviously he doesn't get my 'best part time friend' quote at all...cuz he tells me i am too all over the place and its hard to have a friendship with me when i cant hang out or see him or do thing and that i am confusing with all the fits and starts...uh..ok...not like we ever make plans...but so i decide to honor his points as i know he is not being a dick....but which i thought to myself like 'ouch' here i am finally single and your bucking me...oh yea that helps my self esteem...but he was just being honest and he knows how much i value that...and so i figured that meant stop talking to him...so i did like months ago...until tonight ..so tonight i told him he can always express himself to me and that maybe we are like butterflies and that maybe next life time...he asks why next? i remind him of the song. Next Lifetime...he knows it..Badu..he told me once its us...he remembered!! i told him it reminds me of him every time i hear it. he asked i was serious and tells me we really have to meet and talk if so. i told him i had no reason to not be serious. but made no mention of meeting up. but my brain is confused...he tells me i am a bad friend..so i leave him alone..and then he tells me he thinks of me constantly...uhhhh

all of that texting went on during the photo shoot when ninja was changing cloths...like 5 times!..and the shoot...it goes fairly well...i leave at 556pm call my dinner buddy..he is of course at my door cuz he is Not a burner..hence On time....we have a lovely dinner....but i since i am running late and need to prepare food i can tell i am running late for my next thing of the night...to go to SFs to enjoy election poll stuff...ie drink. ..so while i am talking with my friend who i have no intention of kicking out cuz we are having a great talk and i have not seen him in ages due to my personal mental sequester over the last few months..i decide he deserves as do i to hang out and catch up ...but then the texts start to come in ...from SF and ME and TL..and she calls like 4 times in a row..and at first they seemed in fun..then i started to wonder..'oh great'...they are all bugging me for the beer that was left in my fridge at the brunch and i told SF i would bring it over..(doh)..and they want it... i tell them sorry i have a guest..they persist ..i tell then to get there own...they persist..i tell TL she can drive her butt over miss i got a car and get it..they persist..i finally ask them to stop. .ME tells me they are joking and says sorry but i still feel very anxious. so i am feeling all shitty about this... like really! last week Thursday TL was flaming pist at me for not making her dinner even though i told her i had an exhibition to go to first and would be by later which i had full intention of doing and even got the exhibition early so i could leave..and i told her i could not make it 2 hers b4 the end of the night....but she basically told me i am inconsiderate for not showing and she was expecting me...i later wrote her a text the next day saying i was very sorry..then i read her blog and i totally freaked! and i of course cant tell her how crazy the night before got and how i had to help a really old friend out with his show cuz shit got out of control and how i helped recent friends with all sorts of stuff too.... uh that was a fun day...all is well today..or is it..total flash back to friday when i was dealing with her giving me shit for being inconsiderate and then screaming for help and not taking calls...and feeling like a shitty friend All over again!!!.uhhhhh

so tonight i write SF a text and tell her i am sorry and i will take her the damn beer to aerial...you know to just get it the fuck out of my house!! so no one can guilt me about the beer..that some of which was left at my house...and the other is mine...but that i was donating to the party....uhh..guilt over beer....( and not getting my ass to all the things i want to do) when the Fuck did i become Catholic again...fur fucks sake i took the 12 step program I Am Recovered!! uhh.....

so here i sit feeling like shit and just wanting to go to bed after finally cleaning up all of dinner and trying to relax but not feeling chill at all...even after spending a really really rare night at home all quiet with a bud...where all i want to do is chill...but i also kinda want to be with my other friends for the historic event that is about to happen..then i feel sort of bad for kinda not being fully present for the friend who just left cuz i did have plans to go be with others though i did not rush our dinner..but then again the texts were a tad bit disruptive...yes i could have turned the phucking leash off!!

i decide to chill a bit and check my email... i open my email and i have an email from a very close friend and i open it and its a poem.... for me....dedicated to me ...about our friendship and how special i am to him...

so what do i do...i bust out in tears of course....esp after reading the part after the poem where he wonders if he should even send it. dear god..thank you for hitting that button for releasing that to me!...to us... i am honored to be your friend...

uhh i am Aldonza..and i am not worthy.

and while i finish this....its official...change has finally happened....HOPE worked....... obama just got elected! i knew before the texts started to pour in because the gun shots started...which i D-troit means celebration!

and my heart is no longer aching!


At 8:49 PM , Blogger Gandhiwars said...

wow. thats a lot.
i feel like you said that all in 2 breathes.


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