Friday, October 17, 2008

Closer to Fine...



rambled thoughts tossed on screen...

two mornings ago.. i woke to hear the last line of the song Closer to Fine by the Indigo Girls...if you know me...you may not know that they are very dear to me..their music has saved my life...they were introduced me right after my father died and it was their words that saw me through because back then i was Completely incapable of reaching out or speaking of my pain or god forbid asking of help..and never mind crying..Not allowed!

so the last line ..the first thing i heard to start my day was..
"The closer I am to fine" which jolted me right up out of bed with a content smile on my face...cuz its true... and i am!!
(lyrics http://www.lyricsfreak.com/i/indigo+girls/closer+to+fine_20067293.html)
(video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY1Bl4nfpdA)

i have been having an amazing past month...busy busy, fun fun fun... and i have been working on my heart like a mad woman... and reaping insane benefits...i swear WRITE out your intentions carry them with you and the shit works...And NO i do not mean to avoid the bad or the hard work or the harder side of life..fuck you have to go there...you HAVE to work and fucking hard!! but i believe...the more you give the more you get ..so i am trying and doing really good at it..to not Dwell on the bad or of what i may not have but look at it differently and how i can learn and benefit and change my pov on it...
..
god i am rattling...stick with me..or don't...

so the other night i had gone to bed kinda off.. i had received an email that night that caused me to cry. i read it again..i cried less, then i read it again and didn't cry at all. then i went through some of my digital images of that person... i cried some more..then sighed with relief and then deleted some images as well. (things in three!) then i went to bed like i said feeling kinda off but not bad..then i woke to "The closer I am to fine"

and it so where i am and so about me... right now.. i am soo happy to be me, to be where i am, to be doing what i am doing, to be feeling all the i am feeling.. i do believe that the depths of my sorrows this past year have exponentially increased the capacity of my joy and happiness... whoa! talk about overwhelming.. i went really deep i tell ya! but damn its amazing out here!!

i feel bigger than myself ..like my energy feels as if it extends from my vessel, like i can feel it outwardly from my body because there is so much of it...and how i feel like i want to scream at times because its this building pressure in me that i just need to release and that i want to share and how i try to push it out to the world or push into others i care about...i have done it with some friends! my body literally tingles when it happens..like i am vibrating at a higher frequency than normal!! do they feel it? not sure.. but i do!!

so yea ...closer to fine.. man i sound like a hippy, i feel a hippy...shit i am a hippy but if this what a true hippy sounds and feel and is like ..FUCK YEA!

and all the good as well as the bad... is what it is... perspective helps, time helps distance helps..i am not saying i am immune cuz i am not yet..!!but i am learning and moving and growing stronger daily..in my heart, my soul and my body.. which...just encourages me to do and learn and push and discover even MORE...

more more!!

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